BABU*
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Posts posted by BABU*
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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.
I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."
But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
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Why the hell my post count is not increasing?!
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Looks like Dead Island with town setup... expected better graphics than DI
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A young couple.were having financial problems so the husband talks the wife into prostituting herself to earn some money, she protests that she knows nothing about that kind of thing but he reassures her.
"I'll be your pimp and I'll be standing nearby the whole time, everything will be OK"
So that night she is standing on a street corner and a guy pulls up in a brand new car. He winds the window down.
"How much for full sex?" she asks him to wait and runs round the corner to her husband.
"He wants to know how much"
"Mmm, that's a nice car, ask for £500"
So off she goes but the punter tells her he only has £100, she runs round the corner and her husband says "Tell him for £100 he can have a blow job"
She goes back and tells him and the man agrees, so she gets in the car and he unbuttons his trousers and gets his massive c*ck out and the woman can't believe her eyes.
"Wow" she says,"wait there"
She runs out of the car and says to her husband. "Don't be a bastard Joe, lend him £400"
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.
“Oh, no, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes”, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside she administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments almost to a climax of his c*ck and balls then asked, “How does that feel”?
“Feels great thanks”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken” -
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18+ Jokes
Kid fails in exam.
Dad: Hereafter, don`t call me dad.
Kid: Oh come on dad, it was just a school test not the DNA test.----------
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
..
.
Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I’ll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already !!
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Sales girl : sorry, u cant smoke here,
Customer : but i bought cigarettes from here..
Sales girl : sir we sell condoms too,
but it doesn't mean u start fu*king here....
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TENSION : When wife is pregnant !!
TERROR : When girlfriend is pregnant !!
HORROR : When both r pregnant !!!
TRAGEDY : When you are not Responsible !!!!
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Grand father to Grand son:
Go hide!..... Your teacher is here because you bunked school today!
Grand Son:
NOOoooooo. ......You go and hide… I told her I'm on a leave because you passed away today
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Irony of a woman.
All the day she:
Puts make up
... Puts Sexy Perfume
And Makes the best hairstyle
Finally, People look at her and
say:"WoW Nice A$$"-----------
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Subject: Simple maths?
Makes sense to me!
2+2+2=7
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? ...
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from ?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fu*king cat.
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Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell yiou something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."
Dad Fainted.- - - Updated - - -
A young couple.were having financial problems so the husband talks the wife into prostituting herself to earn some money, she protests that she knows nothing about that kind of thing but he reassures her.
"I'll be your pimp and I'll be standing nearby the whole time, everything will be OK"
So that night she is standing on a street corner and a guy pulls up in a brand new car. He winds the window down.
"How much for full sex?" she asks him to wait and runs round the corner to her husband.
"He wants to know how much"
"Mmm, that's a nice car, ask for £500"
So off she goes but the punter tells her he only has £100, she runs round the corner and her husband says "Tell him for £100 he can have a blow job"
She goes back and tells him and the man agrees, so she gets in the car and he unbuttons his trousers and gets his massive c**k out and the woman can't believe her eyes.
"Wow" she says,"wait there"
She runs out of the car and says to her husband. "Don't be a ba$tard Joe, lend him £400"
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.
“Oh, no, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes”, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside she administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments almost to a climax of his c**k and balls then asked, “How does that feel”?
“Feels great thanks”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken” -
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An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?_____
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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course my child. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
The priest answered: “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
______http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Ybf6ykBbiTE
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Must watch ..epic stuff
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Which console?
PS4
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What console games do you guys recommend among these three> Battlefield, CoD, Assassins Creed?
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A man rushing to a job interview was starting to panic because he couldn't find a parking space. In desperation, he decided to pray.
"O Lord, please. I need your help now. If you open up a parking space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking on Saturday nights and I'll go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.
"Oh never mind Lord," the man said. "I found one myself."
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SPAGHETTI
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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would
pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and
fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.-
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THE REFRIGERATOR
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.
"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.
"Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."- - - Updated - - -
The Italian Lover
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear....."No, I Norwegian."- - - Updated - - -
Katy Perry
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Guys where is Uefa Champions League discussion thread? or this is the thread for it?
The Football Thread
in General Chatter
Posted