Mozart
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Posts posted by Mozart
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A renowned cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. To commemorate his life's work, a huge heart covered in flowers was placed behind his casket.
At the end of the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket slid inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners suddenly started laughing.
As heads turned to glare at him, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see, I'm a Gynecologist."
Meanwhile the Proctologist fainted !!!!!
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Yesterday was the worst day of my life
My galaxy s went kaput!!! for no reason ....I bought it off Ebay (unlocked)
It wouldnt turn on for a while and then the i tried holding all the three buttoins simultaneously. It turned on .
Now i have a major problem , it doesnt accept any sim, Once i charge it 100 % and i restart it, goes back to 10% WTF
Been thru various forums couldnt get any solution.
Please HELP!!!!
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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress 5000. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do shopping for 25 relatives in a day in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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An American, a British and an Indian went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted.
When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom".
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the British quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Indian covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the British asked the Indian why he covered his face rather than his private parts.
The Indian replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize".
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During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:
Raman: Narayan, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Narayan: oh!
Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?
Raman: No
Narayan: He's the guy screwing your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.
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A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a Cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a Cheque for $250 and encloses the following typed note:
"Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a Cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the Cheque for $250 with the following note:
"Dear Sir,
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."
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Anita was in her late thirties and still not married.
She just had a hard time meeting men.
And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks.
Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the
newspaper.
Anita wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me,
and is excellent in bed."
Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one
day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door.
She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man
in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
"Can I help you?" Anita asked.
He said, "I am the man of your dreams!"
Anita was baffled. She said, "Excuse me."
"I read your personal add in the paper and I am the perfect man for
you. I have no arms, so I can?t beat you. I have no legs, so I can
never leave you."
"But are you good in bed?" Anita asked.
He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?!"
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MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
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MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
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FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most
of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set hand brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN..
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release hand brake.
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Watched 127 hours
Good movie , and incredible acting by james franco
still cant figure out why the golden globe nomination for the music by rahman
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Where are all the engineers ? Not software
I thought I was a commoner, I can't find a single person to refer in my company.
Power plant engineering is more nerdy than I thought
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Watched Tangled yesterday (Ahem Version)
Its a bit girly with the musical stuff , but overall one time watch for the humour.
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One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant winking would bother customers"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second" So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!" The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking
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Awesome posts GameFreak
Merci
Will post more tomorrow
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Dont Drink while driving
You may spill the BEER
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One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him "OK, what happened to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you
won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked.
Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.... .?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"
....
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If Columbus had been married he might have never discovered America. Because:
Where r u going?
With Whom?
To discover what?
Why only u?
What do I do, when u r not here?
Can I come?
Coming back when?
Dinner ghar par hee khaoge?
Most importantly: Mere liye kya laoge?
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WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKED FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH
THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE
This is the winner:-
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “'Go to hell.”'
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime
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I agree
with NFT rule now on BE , cant go for 7-8 years
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Love Story of Engineer:
I was in 12th………
She was in 12th……………
I got BE………..
She got Bsc………….
I was doing BE………..
She got MSc……………..
I was doing BE………….
She got PhD………….
I Completed BE……….
She got a Doctrate…………..
She got Married…………..
I was preparing for ME enterance……………….
She is the mother of 2 children………………
I am doing my ME………………….
Her daughter is in 1st std,…………………
I completed ME………..
Her daughter passed 10th…………………
I joined a software company……………..
THE GREATEST IRONY:
Today is my engagement………..
And..
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.
.
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Her DAUGHTER IS MY WIFE……………
Agle janam mohe commerce hi deejo…………………(Give Commerce in next life)
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Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer!
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked;
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !!!
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Any other bands like blink182?
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Got my sgs today
one word. Aaawwweeesssuuummm
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saw aakrosh yesterday , nothing like a priyadarshan movie .
a couple of scenes were ridiculous .
but the rest of the movie is good.
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nobody's virgin life f"cks everybody
Jokes and Funny Stuff Thread
in General Chatter
Posted
Doctor to patient : Ab aapki tabiyat kaisi hai.
Patient : Doctor saheb Pehle se zyada kharab ho gayi hai.
Doctor : dawai khali thi kya?
Patient : Nai doctor saheb. dawai ki shishi to bhari hui thi.
Doctor : Are mere kehne ka matlab hai ki, dawai le li thi kya.
Patient : Ji, aapne dawai de di thi aur maine le li thi.
Doctor: Abe, dawai pili thi kya?
Patient : Oho, nai doctor saheb dawai to lal thi.
Doctor : Abe GADHE, Dawai ko piliya tha kya?
Patient : Nai. Doctor, Piliya to mujhe tha.
Doctor( in frustration) : Abe teri to, Dawai ko mooh lagakar Pet me dala tha k nai?
Patient : Nai doctor saheb.
Doctor : Kyon?
Patient : Kyonki dhakkan band tha.
Doctor : Teri sale, to Khola kyon nai.
Patient : Saheb, aapne hi to kaha tha ki, shishi ka dhakkan band rakhna.
Doctor : Tera ilaj main nai kar sakta.
Patient : Accha Doctor saheb ye to bata do ki main thik kaise hounga