Battle stations: Cut the crap

[Parker]

This is a 4 n 1/2 years old topic ... so just read it for LOLz ...

 

Many readers have been unsatisfied by the carefully worded marketing speak in recent interviews with Australian gaming heavyweights.

So today Screen Play cuts through the bull, asking all three console manufacturers the hard questions and supplying our own refreshingly candid responses.

If only all interviewees were this honest...

 

How are preparations going for your console launch?

 

Nintendo: Dunno really. We just do what we're told by headquarters in Japan. Hopefully we'll have enough consoles to meet demand, and enough component cables.

 

Sony: Dunno really. Phil Harrison won't confirm a March launch for Europe, so how we would know here in Australia? Gives us more time to flog PS2s, anyway. Fancy a sing-along?

 

Microsoft: Ha, ha! You wouldn't catch us launching late in Australia after the rest of the world. We did a successful global launch... (long pause while PR minder whispers in honcho's ear). Errr, did I mention we've sold 100,000 machines already?

 

Why should consumers choose your next-gen console over your competitors?

 

Nintendo: We have no competitors. We're solely focused on capturing new consumers, like ethnically diverse groups of groovy 30-somethings and pensioners who are sick of trying to yell "Blue!" into their DS.

 

Sony: Let me say first of all that Nintendo is ace. We respect them. In fact, we respect them so much we often borrow their ideas. Wii will actually be a bit of a laugh, but those graphics are a bit embarrassing, hey? And as for Microsoft, they truly suck.

 

Microsoft: Let me just say that we really admire Nintendo. In fact, we admire them so much we paid $375 million for one of their key developers. Boy, was that a mistake! Anyway, if you do buy a Wii, please buy a 360 as well. You can't play Halo on a Wii, now can you? And as for Sony, they truly suck.

 

Do you think your console offers value for money?

 

Nintendo: Couldn't give a toss about value for money. As long as we make money on every console we sell, then she's apples. We're making a killing on peripherals too, it's great.

 

Sony: Of course. PS3 really should cost $5000. We're actually losing $4000 on every system sold. That's what Ken says, anyway. We just need everyone to buy around 167 games each and we'll be in the black.

 

Microsoft: Well, it's cheaper than Vista. And did we mention it's cheaper than PS3? That is, as long as you don't buy a HD-DVD drive and a wireless adapter...

 

Why all the focus on multimedia functionality in your new machines?

 

Nintendo: A games console should be just for playing games. We don't think gamers should have to pay for all this extra stuff that people don't need or want, like photo browsing, DVD movie playback, Internet browsers, online services... Hang on, I'm reading from the old script... Actually, umm, yes, multimedia functionality is the future. Did you know that you can use the Wii to leave a message for your Mum? It only takes about 10 minutes to write using the really intuitive virtual keyboard, then all you have to do is leave a real note reminding your Mum to actually turn on the console to read it.

 

Sony: We worked out with the PS2's launch that an awful lot of people will buy your console just to play movies, even if there are no good games to play. Hey, remember Fantavision?! Anyway, we're trying that trick again with this Blu-ray malarkey, plus the boss of Columbia pictures said we actually had to have a Blu-ray drive. Remember, PlayStation 3 is not a games console, it is a super-duper-computer entertainment system.

 

Microsoft: No one's really ever going to hook up a Windows PC to their telly, so we had to let Bill gain control of the lounge room somehow.

 

So who's really going to win the next-gen battle?

 

Nintendo: Next what? We don't worry about our competitors, Nintendo will do what Nintendo thinks will most entertain Nintendo users. Besides, Sony always win. You can't compete with bashing hookers and driving fast cars, especially with an overweight plumber and a pointy-eared effeminate kid in tights.

 

Sony: We'll win, just as long as we can actually make enough consoles to sell. And get the price down a bit. Oh, and make a better online service, we botched that the first time. And as long as Blu-ray isn't a complete balls-up. And it'd be good if we didn't have any more exploding batteries or people saying the PS3 looks like a George Foreman grill. And it'd be good if bloody newspapers could stop running that old pic of the boomerang controller, it's very embarrassing.

 

Microsoft: We'll win. Whoever gets in first always wins. Look at PS2, it wasn't as good as Xbox, but just 'cause they got in first, everyone bought one! Anyway, we'll keep buying all the PlayStation exclusives so PS3 can't possibly win. Wonder how much they want for SingStar and Gran Turismo? And that Buzz game looks a bit fun. Oh, and I wouldn't mind that Metal Gear game, too.

 

What is the future of interactive entertainment?

 

Nintendo: Lots of Mario and Zelda games, obviously, and lots of waving your arms about, just as long as our engineers can come up with a stronger wrist strap. All these lawsuits from people with smashed TVs are going to cost us a fortune. Lucky we don't support those fancy high-def tellies...

 

Sony: Whatever we say it will be. The future doesn't start until we say it does.

 

Microsoft: Halo 3. And 4. And 5's going to be a real killer. It might even have a proper ending. Just don't talk about the movie, OK? The guy who wears our Master Chief suit is really shattered that he has to go back to in-store appearances at EB and Walmart instead of being directed by Peter Jackson.

 

Battle stations: Cut the crap

[Yellow Flash Of The Leaf]

:bigyellowgrin: