MarketTantrik Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 10 Horrible Video Game Cliches By Jeremy ⋅ February 21, 2008 From The Exploding Barrel ______________________________________________________________________ 10. Lava One hard and fast rule in gaming is that if a pit is filled with red stuff , you shouldn’t fall into it. A lava level (or 20) is pretty much a guarantee in every platforming title ever released. Let’s just forget about the fact that just being in a room filled with lava would instantly kill anyone. Developers have long used lava as an unforgiving penalty for an errant jump or a minor misstep leading to instant death and level restart…that is, unless you are Mario, then you just burn your a*s and hop around like a little bitch. 9. Super Soldiers You are special. You and only you can save the universe from ultimate destruction. Blah blah blah. Can gamers please have a game where they don’t play “the chosen one?” Hero plumbers are few and far between these days. A hero can be an ordinary person placed in an extraordinary situation. It’s time for developers to take a few more risks with main characters. How do those pitch meetings go exactly? “I know! Our main character is a silent soldier who has flawless integrity and is chosen by the gods to save civilization!” Brilliant. People don’t just love characters that are flawless, they love them because of their flaws. Just ask Tony Soprano. 8. Quick Health Regeneration This cliche is lower on the list because it is relatively new to video games. Apparently, gamers can go from getting blasted with 500 rounds of ammunition, take a grenade to the grill, and be a sliver away from death only to fully recover by hiding behind a building for 5 seconds. The practice is understandable but not excusable. Developers want to cram more action and less stoppage into their games, and what is a more convenient solution than regenerating health. Some games have managed to work health regeneration into the story (i.e. special armor), but some have no explanation at all (looking at you WWII shooters). No gamer likes to die every 30 seconds, but for God’s sake, even super soldiers don’t heal THAT fast. 7. Hot Chicks If we all could just live the video game land. Every female is sexy, sleek, scantily clad, and has boobs that put Barbie to shame. Girl gamers should be most offended by this cliche. The practice is insulting and offensive to say the least. Lara Croft would need supportive back surgery in real life. Not even female aliens can escape the “hot chick” cliche (see: Mass Effect). In video game land, men are steroid riddled, animals can talk, and every woman is a supermodel. Not a bad world to live in, but it would be nice once in awhile to play a game that Kathy Bates could get cast to play the heroine in the film adaptation. 6. Animals Filled with Gold Role Playing Games are mostly at fault for perpetuating this horrible video game cliche. Every RPG has dungeons and woodland areas, and these areas are populated with small creatures that, apparently, are filled with gold that is released when they are killed. Where are these animals eating that has random gold laying around? Furthermore, shouldn’t there be gold sh*t laying all over the place after all of that currency dining? While we’re at it, killing small woodland creatures should not improve your strength. If that was really the case, every hillbilly would have maxed out abilities and NO ONE wants that to happen. 5. Switches, Levers, and Keycards Ok, so I am a evil genius bent on destroying the world, so I outfitted my lair with doors that can be opened easily by flipping a switch or pushing a lever. That’s the way genius roles. There is no way that the hero would figure out that he had to push a switch to open the door to my secret compound.” For god’s sake, we get that flipping the switch with the red handle will open the only door we need to go in to find the “boss.” Just because there is a mini-game involved doesn’t make it not a cliche. Key cards are also at fault here. As an evil genius, it only makes sense that I give my lowly peon soldiers (who are easily killed) access to my entire facility. No wonder the bad guy always loses in video games. The bad guy is an idiot. 4. Medikits Medikits have long been used as a one stop cure-all in video games. If that wasn’t cool enough, they are magically applied by merely walking over them. Shot in the face? Here is a medikit. Broken legs from a nasty fall…medikit. Poisoned by gas…just walk over the medikit and the toxins will be released from your body. It is understandable that players need health boosts, but medikits are overused and often out of place in the environment. What is a medikit doing in a cave or in the middle of a sewer? Maybe one will pop out of a rat’s a*s after you kill it. It’s time for developers to start integrating health generation in ways that are organic to the environment instead of copping out with medikits. 3. Wooden Crates Does your health need a boost? How about some some sorely needed ammo? Well, look no further than that wooden crate, and all of our hero’s needs will be addressed. Every bad guy’s lair is packed with wooden crates that are filled with goodies that help super soldiers in need. Why are there so many wooden crates around? Does the evil empire also own a shipping business that imports knock off purses from China? Gamers are constantly in warehouses that don’t seem to ship anything but are filled to the brim with shipping supplies. With all of those crates filled with supplies laying around for ailing heroes, maybe the evil genius isn’t such a bad guy after all. 2. No Jumping Let’s get this straight; I am a super soldier capable of taking down hordes of enemies, battling gigantic monsters, and saving the universe, but I can’t jump over a 2 foot gap? I have a uber plasma death machine gun, and I can’t take down a shitty chain link fence? See that 5 foot tall rock over there? Don’t even think about jumping over it. You’re going to have to wind all the way through the level to get to the other side. If the bad guy’s were smart, they would dig a 5 foot hole with a dumpy wooden fence around their compounds and no super soldier would ever get inside. Face it developers; if a hero was tasked to save the universe by the gods, he might have to jump over some sh*t to do it. 1. Exploding Barrels It just doesn’t get any more cliche in video games than exploding barrels (we at theexplodingbarrel.com should know). Along with being filled with wooden crates, every bad guy compound has strategically placed barrels that are filled with mystery exploding fluid. The HR department for these evil organizations should seriously look into their hiring practices because they only seem to find henchmen that think taking cover behind barrels that explode is a good idea. Exploding barrels do not make for a safe work environment either. They were novel in doom and are still fun to shoot, but developers really need to find something else to provide the player with a little environmental interaction. We here at the explodingbarrel.com suggest exploding kittens filled with gold. __________________________________________________________________________ :roflroll2: Absolutely hilarious and totally worth the read. --MT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imrahn Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 roflmao..........i had a real good laugh over the article.Thanx for posting man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarketTantrik Posted February 22, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 ^^ You're welcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nameless Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 Some of the funniest (but true) stuff i have read for a long time about gaming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ctrl_alt_del Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 Nice read. The most realistic depiction of med-kits was probably in IGI. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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