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Jokes and Funny Stuff Thread


Chaztin
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New words that are added to the Dictionary in Year 2008:

Bucknor: (n) (adj)

1. Temporary blindness leading to missing out on the obvious.

2. To be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

3. Situations leading to grave judgmental errors.

Usage: I feel bucknored by my boss; Life often throws a bucknor at you.

 

Benson: (n) (adj)

1. Something that legitimises a severe bucknor.

Usage: First they bucknored me and then they bensoned it! I am toast.

Also see bucknor

Ponting: (n) (adj)

1. A substance or entity or even a person of unquestionable integrity

2. An act of uncivilised behaviour. [Also, pontingness (n)]

 

Symonds: (n):

A subset of the monkeys, Symonds are long-tailed primates found in the

interiors of Australia known for wailing and crying at being called names.

Symonds are extremely sensitive creatures and need to be handled with

extreme care or else they'll break down at the mere exposure to the

Indians (who happen to be higher up in the food chain).

They are usually nestled by Pontings in their little chest pouch

which gives then additional protection against the Indians.

 

Symonds: (v):

Randomly wail and weep at every whichever chance one gets.

Present Continuous: symonding

Usage: The child took to symonding when the mother denied him money to buy a kite.

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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing

a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing

his usual jeans and t-shirt.

 

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a

large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately

went crazy. He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2

feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was

obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.

 

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He

suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering

her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla

got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

 

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall

to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to

tear the bars down!

 

"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips

and charging the bars!

 

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,

flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and

said, "Now, tell him you have a headache and you are not in the mood now”

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^^ lol, nice one

 

 

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.

 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

 

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

 

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get those feelings again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

 

 

Frank was excited about his new rifle.

 

He went bear hunting, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

 

There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

 

The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

 

Frank decided to bend over.

 

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

 

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

 

There was another tap on his shoulder.

 

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

 

The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

 

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

 

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.

 

Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

 

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.

 

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

 

The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

 

 

peace

thanks buddy...

and these are really very funny... enjoyed a lot :rofl2: :roflroll2:

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^^ lol, nice one

 

 

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.

 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

 

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

 

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get those feelings again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

 

 

Frank was excited about his new rifle.

 

He went bear hunting, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

 

There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

 

The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

 

Frank decided to bend over.

 

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

 

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

 

There was another tap on his shoulder.

 

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

 

The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

 

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

 

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.

 

Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

 

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.

 

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

 

The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

 

 

peace

:rofl2:

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Frank was excited about his new rifle.

 

He went bear hunting, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

 

There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

 

The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

 

Frank decided to bend over.

 

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

 

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

 

There was another tap on his shoulder.

 

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

 

The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

 

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

 

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.

 

Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

 

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.

 

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

 

The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

 

 

peace

:roflroll2:

Good one sambhai!!

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The Resignation Letter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A Boss looking through his Mail Box was astonished to see a mail from an

Employee who was supposed to be busy working at Client side on a critical

project. It had the subject - "TaTa - Bye Bye". With the worst premonition

he opened the mail and read the content with trembling hands:-

 

Dear Sir,

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving the

job. The offer was too lucrative and attractive for me to turn down. I had

to abscond because I wanted to avoid a scene with the HR and you. I am sorry

but I had no choice.

 

The project is working fine. There are only 108 issues pending, out of which

only 38% issues are High Priority. Hence I am sure there is no need to worry

about. The next Phase of major enhancements I have been working upon, have

been completed halfway. I am sure the new person who would replace me would

not understand what all I had done so far. Hence, for his and your

convenience, I have taken care to remove all the work that I had been doing

this far for nearly 3 months now. I am sure you will appreciate my insight

and "big heart".

 

I am of course retaining the Originals that I had retrieved for the purpose

of Passport verification with me, considering it as a parting gift from you.

Of course, I will not pay the bond amount that I owe the company (since I Am

breaking the bond). But I will consider this as a parting gift from our Dear

company. I moving out of town since the new company is situated in another

City.

 

Also, I have changed my contact number. So you will not be able to get in

touch with me, to congratulate me. But I know your blessings are always with

me. Last but not the least. I also have the Rs 12000 entrusted to me by our

company's cultural events group, for the upcoming movie event. I am sure you

would have wanted me to keep it with myself as an added bonus from our

company. I respect you very much, hence your wish is my command.

 

Don't worry sir. I am 2 years experienced now, learning so much from your

company. So I will surely use this knowledge to write better programs for

the new company. Someday I'm sure we will meet sometime in the future. If

you wish, I will surely be glad to give my employee reference for you to

apply for a job in the new company which I am joining.

 

Your faithful employee,

S. W. Engineer

 

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PS". Hands still trembling, the

Boss read:

 

PS: Dearest Boss, none of the above is true. I'm am still busy working at

client side. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life

than my "Request to reconsider my Salary Appraisal" attached with this mail.

Please approve it and call when it is safe for me to come to our Office to

discuss this.

 

My respect and Best Regards to you!

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^^ lol, nice one

 

 

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.

 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

 

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

 

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get those feelings again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

 

 

Frank was excited about his new rifle.

 

He went bear hunting, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

 

There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

 

The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

 

Frank decided to bend over.

 

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

 

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

 

There was another tap on his shoulder.

 

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

 

The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

 

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

 

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.

 

Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

 

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.

 

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

 

The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

 

 

peace

 

:roflroll2:

 

good one sam :thumbsup:

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The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in

October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British

authorities.

 

The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

 

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.

I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 

 

 

BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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There were two identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married but Joe, the other brother, was single and the owner of a small, dilapidated boat.

It happens that the same day that John's wife died, Joe's boat sank.

A kind old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for his brother John said, "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible".

Joe responded, "Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up; she smelled of old fish even from the first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad

hole in the front and a big crack in the back.

The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so, I could handle her all right, but when anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place. What finished her, though, was four guys from the other side of town who came over looking for a good time.

They asked if they could use her and I rented her, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. But they insisted that they would like to give her a try.

The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her, she cracked right down the middle".

The old Lady fainted

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There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

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There were two identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married but Joe, the other brother, was single and the owner of a small, dilapidated boat.

It happens that the same day that John's wife died, Joe's boat sank.

A kind old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for his brother John said, "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible".

Joe responded, "Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up; she smelled of old fish even from the first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad

hole in the front and a big crack in the back.

The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so, I could handle her all right, but when anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place. What finished her, though, was four guys from the other side of town who came over looking for a good time.

They asked if they could use her and I rented her, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. But they insisted that they would like to give her a try.

The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her, she cracked right down the middle".

The old Lady fainted

:unsure:

 

nice one Choy

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There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

 

 

Classic :unsure:

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