Jokes and Funny Stuff Thread

[SchneideR]

 

Here i read this funny piece in todays Bangalore mirror thought i'd share it with you...

 

 

 

 

A Cowboy Named Bud

 

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in South Dakota when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

 

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

Then Bud the Cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,"Okay, why not?"

 

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than me; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

 

Now give me back my dog.

Edited June 25, 2010 by SchneideR

[VelivolusDas]

OMG......!!!!!!! That's epic......!!!!!

 

Especially the last para.......

[Nemo]

 

x infinity

[kunallkw]

Nanduu sabka Banduu

 

[Cash]

f**k1!!! X Infinity

[bronz_god]

http://visboo.com/hilarious-drawings.html

[Choron ka raja]

http://visboo.com/hilarious-drawings.html

 

 

Awesome Train Five!!!

[ghb]

awesome

[sup bro?]

Some of those need to be on a t-shirt.

[Aftrunner]

http://visboo.com/hilarious-drawings.html

 

 

LOVE the lego one.

[Bird Bird Bird]

.. Awesome sketches there !!

[Nemo]

yup.. they be pure win

[Snake]

A guy at SRK is posting fake craiglist ads or replying to existing ads masquerading as SF characters on an unsuspecting public. Comedy gold here folks.

 

 

Los angeles craigslist > westside-southbay > personals > casual encounters

looking for fun tonite - w4m

 

Im a nite owl and looking for some fun. Are you my cassanova?

Me: dark hair, 5'6, curvy

You: lean and rough in bed

Im waiting..

 

 

From Gief to ****-*****-**********@craigslist.org

 

Hello! I am Gief from Russia. I am also looking for fun! I am very strong professional wrestler. My stat is Height 7'0" (214 cm), Weight 253½ lbs (115kg), Eye color Hazel, Hair color Brown. My hobby is Drink Vodka, fighting and Cossack dancing. Maybe i can show you piledriver

 

 

From Nikkie Perez ****** to Me

 

Lets meet tonight. i am asking for a small donation of 175 roses. hope you dont mind since i would be giving you a great time with my sexyness. and go home happy.lol if you r dwn reply with ur number and i'll call to verify tonights adventure...hope to hear from u..

 

From Gief to Nikkie Perez *******@*******.com

 

I am very confused why you need 175 rose flower... and what you think i am magician? or Dudley?

 

 

From Nikkie Perez ****** to Me

 

no man $175 not flowers

 

From Gief to Nikkie Perez *******@*******.com

 

oh why not you say so? ok i make deal. I will give 315 Russian Rouble, I think american bank will exchange for you

 

From Nikkie Perez ****** to Me

 

i only take cash and ur wastin my time so forget it

 

From Gief to Nikkie Perez *******@*******.com

 

Ok I will talk with Dudley and maybe he can give me some of his roses he's olways throw at peoples. If not maybe i will talk to mexican by freeway he olways give good rose deal.

 

 

From Nikkie Perez ****** to Me

 

no you fob dumsht I told you alread I dont want flowers

 

From Gief to Nikkie Perez *******@*******.com

 

In Soviet Russia I can buy 2 wife with 315 Russian Rouble, maybe you should reconsider.

 

From Nikkie Perez ****** to Me

 

then go back to Russia and quit fkn messaging me

[Solitaire]

In Soviet Russia I can buy 2 wife with 315 Russian Rouble, maybe you should reconsider.

 

 

 

[Madmage]

<Sui88> 67% of girls are stupid

<V-girl> i belong with the other 13%

 

 

 

<kylev> BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

<kylev> hahahahaha

<kylev> some girl just came onto our floor

<kylev> and was yelling "sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper"

<kylev> i just asked her what the paper was about

<kylev> and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism

<`Neo> bahahahaha

 

 

BAsh.org ftw

[Madhav]

End Of Ze World!

 

 

 

 

[Snake]

Rufus is back....

 

 

From Rufus to ****-*****-**********@craigslist.org

 

Hey!

 

Hows it going, I read you needed a ride from LA to Sunnyvale? Well I'm headed there too!

If you're willing to pay for the gas then we got ourselves a deal.

let me know if you're interested and I'll get ya some more info.

 

-Rufus

 

From Sumit ****** to Me

 

Hey Rufus,

 

Yup, I am interested. Are you leaving on Thursday and what time??

 

Actually, you know what, call me at (***)-***-****, then we can discuss about it more.

 

Looking forward to hear from you soon.

 

Thanks,

Sumit

 

From Rufus to Sumit ********@***.edu

 

I tried calling you but some lady on the phone said that you don't have any credits left to make this call, you should look into that. Anyways I'm leaving Thursday morning at 3:30am so if you can be ready around that time that would be great. Also I wanted to let you know that I drive a motorcycle so there won't be much room for your bags but I was thinking that since you're saving money on gas and all because I drive a bike you can just ship your stuff to yourself. Another thing, since this is a 6 hour drive, I get tired easily and need you to take over maybe an hour or so after we head out. I don't know if you've ever driven a motorcycle before but its easy, its like riding a bicycle without the peddling. Also I only have one helmet so if you have some sort of helmet then bring it with you. If not then I can just take my neighbor's kid's helmet, I'm sure he won't mind, the kid is special needs but I think he'll be just fine without it, I mean how much more special can he get anyways? and you sound like a small guy so it should fit you just right. Another thing I gotta warn you is that if I get aroused while you're driving, don't mind it because I'm not gay, I have a girlfriend, its just the whole closeness factor to another person and the vibration of the bike so don't think I'm getting weird on you or anything its just a natural thing. So what do ya say? Shall we get this trip going or what. I attached a pic of my bike so you can get a feel of how much room you'll have and such.

 

http://yfrog.com/1l24667398591079272666869j This is the pic I attached

 

Let me know where I should pick you up.

 

-Rufus

 

 

From Sumit ****** to Me

 

That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, you have to be joking right?

 

First of all I'm not waking up that early, and looking at the picture that looks like it'd be the most uncomfortable ride that anyone would be on.

 

I'm not going to ship my bags and no I don't want to ride with you.

 

 

From Rufus to Sumit ********@***.edu

 

This isn't a joke, this is the real deal my friend. I know you're thinking to yourself this is too good to be true, but don't. I have been traveling all over the world on my bike to find that jerkface Ken Masters and last I heard he was at Norcal Regionals in the Sunnyvale area. When I find him, I'm gonna break all of his bones into tiny little pieces as if his body was being held up by a bunch of mini Altoids. It gets me soooo mad just thinking about that spoiled little brat! Anyways, I'm getting off topic here. There's plenty of room so you don't have to worry, besides Candy says I'm like a big ol’ fluffy pillow so comfort won’t be a problem. If you don't want to ship your bags then I can borrow my neighbor's kid's red pull cart and hook it up to my bike to drag along with your bags. I'm sure he won't mind, like I said, he's a little "special" so he'd probably think the cart just went for a ride on its own or something haha. I’ll even fasten the bags pretty tight so your bags won’t fall off. So what do ya say pal? You up for this adventure or what!

 

-Rufus

 

From Sumit ****** to Me

 

I can't believe I'm reading this.

 

Do you really think I'd want you to put my bags in a kid's pull cart and drag it on your motorcycle? Do you even think anyone could actually fit on that bike with you?

 

Seriously this is disturbing, I think I'll just take the bus. I really don't want to deal with people like you on here anymore.

 

 

From Rufus to Sumit ********@***.edu

 

Your loss pal. I was gonna bring you some coffee and doughnuts even.

If you change your mind let me know, the offer is still open until tomorrow.

 

-Rufus

[Solitaire]

From Mobilecrunch:

 

 

Edited June 26, 2010 by Gaurav - Solitaire

[pArth]

[TRMNTR]