Mozart Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.' ******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. ******************************* FEMALE PROCEDURE: What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!! 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set hand brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN.. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release hand brake. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mozart Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 Anita was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper. Anita wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed." Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "Can I help you?" Anita asked. He said, "I am the man of your dreams!" Anita was baffled. She said, "Excuse me." "I read your personal add in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can?t beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you." "But are you good in bed?" Anita asked. He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?!" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megzworld Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 Repped// Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mozart Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a Cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a Cheque for $250 and encloses the following typed note: "Dear Madam, Enclosed find a Cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the Cheque for $250 with the following note: "Dear Sir, #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Django_3101 Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 mosa aaj obaid bhai ki aatma mosa mein Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Right Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 "How do you think I knocked on the door?!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nemo Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 you can join us now "hitler rap" repped and respect. Reich be ballin' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megzworld Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 It was the first day of a new school year. Three boys arrive at class late and the teacher asks the first boy "Why are you tardy," the boy replies "I've been on Blueberry Hill" the teacher said "Take your seat." She asks the next boy why he was late. "I was on Blueberry Hill also" he replied. Then she asked the third boy, but he replied with the same answer. As the boys we're sitting down a girl arrives in. "Let me guess", said the teacher. "You where on Bluberry Hill aslo" "NO.... I am Blueberry Hill" replied the girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mozart Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting: Raman: Narayan, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week. Narayan: oh! Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell? Narayan: No Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this. The next day, the same discussion took place: Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is? Narayan: No Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this. The next day, once again: Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is? Narayan: No Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this. This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy? Raman: No Narayan: He's the guy screwing your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mozart Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 An American, a British and an Indian went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the British quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Indian covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the British asked the Indian why he covered his face rather than his private parts. The Indian replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nemo Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 (edited) bahahaha.. megz's joke reminds me this old classic. Once Santa and Banta were blowing bubbles.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . then bubbles got disgusted and she left :| Edited January 28, 2011 by Nemo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megzworld Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 Oh Come one Nemo.. I know some dirty jokes too.. It's just that I am a bit shy to post them here.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CM Sunny Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 (edited) repped and respect. Reich be ballin' my pleasure sir I thought it would be forgotten too may I amuse you with another classic? Edited January 28, 2011 by ezio fangle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sackboy Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 Lol at all awesome jokes !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
killzone123 Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking ------------- A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist. ---------------------------- A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano. "Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man. "Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want." Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie. "You grant wishes right?" "Yes." replies the genie. "Hmm, I'd like a million bucks." Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar. "Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!" His friends sitting at the table replies, "Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
killzone123 Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN: Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again. HOW TO SATISFY A MAN: Show up naked with food Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugat S Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 looks like someone is visiting Sickipedia a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sufyan Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 HOW TO SATISFY A MAN: Show up naked with food kinky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
killzone123 Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 kinky last one for today : Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LagWarriorZergey Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 (edited) The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." Dat literally killed me damn A lil one: "My wife tells me dat i hump like a rabbit... but i don't c hw she can judge me on a 20sec basis!" Edited January 28, 2011 by zergey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.