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Jokes and Funny Stuff Thread


Chaztin
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For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

 

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

 

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."

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teenage girls omfg omfg :wub:

 

:doh:

 

the uncleji :giggle:

 

the guy who doesn't give a sh*t and listening to his own songs in an assumed noise-cancelling headphone :rofl:

 

:rofl:

 

going by his expression...must be noise cancellation ones :roflroll: like he knew what he was going into :rofl::roflroll:

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A renowned cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. To commemorate his life's work, a huge heart covered in flowers was placed behind his casket.

At the end of the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket slid inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside the beautiful heart forever.

 

At that point, one of the mourners suddenly started laughing.

 

As heads turned to glare at him, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see, I'm a Gynecologist."

 

Meanwhile the Proctologist fainted !!!!!

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Doctor to patient : Ab aapki tabiyat kaisi hai.

 

Patient : Doctor saheb Pehle se zyada kharab ho gayi hai.

 

Doctor : dawai khali thi kya?

 

Patient : Nai doctor saheb. dawai ki shishi to bhari hui thi.

 

Doctor : Are mere kehne ka matlab hai ki, dawai le li thi kya.

 

Patient : Ji, aapne dawai de di thi aur maine le li thi.

 

Doctor: Abe, dawai pili thi kya?

 

Patient : Oho, nai doctor saheb dawai to lal thi.

 

Doctor : Abe GADHE, Dawai ko piliya tha kya?

 

Patient : Nai. Doctor, Piliya to mujhe tha.

 

Doctor( in frustration) : Abe teri to, Dawai ko mooh lagakar Pet me dala tha k nai?

 

Patient : Nai doctor saheb.

 

Doctor : Kyon?

 

Patient : Kyonki dhakkan band tha.

 

Doctor : Teri sale, to Khola kyon nai.

 

Patient : Saheb, aapne hi to kaha tha ki, shishi ka dhakkan band rakhna.

 

Doctor : Tera ilaj main nai kar sakta.

 

Patient : Accha Doctor saheb ye to bata do ki main thik kaise hounga

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

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Props if you can spot this one. Its absolutely brilliant! :lol:

 

During an emergency meeting, he sweeps in with the CFO, both of them casually late as usual. At least this time they had an excuse - they just met with the CEO, who finally stopped worrying about the PR and asked some problematic VPs to resign, which will clear a lot of red tape for us later. We try to bring both of them up to speed on the discussion. We just suffered an attack that compromised important proprietary data. Rolling out any changes to our recent implementation of the relevant systems would require delays we can't afford, so we're talking about increased defenses just to cover our butts from exploits. Rule of law won't be enough if the upstarts nipping at our heels pay some kids to hit a vulnerability.

 

My boss won't have any of it, though - he thinks we can contain the information. As if nobody's made copies yet! All the technical people shift about uncomfortably, and I try to make the best of it by saying we're probably fine regardless. Everything goes online ASAP and we can ruin the other guys once it's all running smoothly.

 

He then declares that all our infrastructure is window-dressing compared to the innate protection of his faith. We would be fine not because of all the employees and contractors running the show, but thanks to some mystical seance bullshit that he looks to for guidance and references entirely too often in private conversation. I don't even think it's an organized religion - just vague pagan nonsense with creepy voodoo overtones, like he's the last devotee of a cult from the 70s. I must've been sleep-deprived, because I don't even hesitate to call that a bunch of crap. Motherf**ker choked me from across the room.

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