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Jokes and Funny Stuff Thread


Chaztin
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An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

 

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

 

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

 

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

 

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

 

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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

 

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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

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Ek baar 3 shikari aapas mein gappe maar rahe thhe, aur apne apne shikar ke kisse bata rahe thhe...

 

Pehla shikari: "Main jungle mein sher ka shikar karne gaya, aur meri bandook mein 2 hi goliyaan thhi aur achanak left aur right se 2 sher aa gaye"

 

Baaki shikari: "Achha fir?"

 

Pehla shikari: "Fir kya! Saamne ek pathar pada thha. Maine usko goli maari, goli ke 2 tukde hue aur dono shero ko lag gayi aur woh marr gaye"

 

Dusra shikari: "Huh! Yeh bhi koi shikar hai, main batata hoon. Ek baar main sher ko maarne gaya, naa hi mere paas bandook naa koi aur hathiyaar, aur mere pichhe ek sher padd gaya"

 

Baaki shikari hairani se: "Fir?"

 

Dusra shikari: "Fir kya thha. Main bhaag ke ek ped pe chadh gaya aur mera darr ke maare susu nikal gaya, aur sher uss susu ki rassi bana ke upar chadhne lag gaya"

 

Baaki shikari: "Fir?"

 

Dusra shikari: "Fir kya. Jaise hi woh aadhe raste mein pahuncha, maine susu band kar diya. Woh niche gir ke marr gaya"

 

Teeshra shikari: "Abey yeh toh kuch bhi nahin. Ek baar main jungle mein gaya. Mere paas koi hathiyaar nahin thha. Maine dekha ki saamne ek sher soya pada hai"

 

Baaki shikari: "Fir?"

 

Teeshra shikari: "Fir kya, maine uski gaand mein ungli daal di, woh bechara sharam se hi marr gaya"

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