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Jokes and Funny Stuff Thread


Chaztin
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<cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar

<cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke

<cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet

<cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied

<emoti_conartist> lol

<cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy

<cassius_clay13> so he f**king KICKS one of the stall doors open

<cassius_clay13> and there's this guy in there taking a sh*t

<emoti_conartist> hahahahahaha

<cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM

<cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh sh*t... if i were taking a sh*t and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to f**k him up... so i'd better hit him first'

<cassius_clay13> so he f**king SMACKS this guy in the face

<cassius_clay13> and runs away

<cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER

 

:doh: OMFGROFLMAO!! genius bryan!! :lol:

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Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book

Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.

"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

 

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

 

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."

"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

 

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

 

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

 

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

 

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

 

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok

I have found, definitive proof

 

that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

 

Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

 

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

 

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

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Wife to huband : Darling, tomorrow is our anniversary , i want some thing that goes from 0 -100 in 3 seconds.

 

Husband: I knew u wanted something that goes from zero to hundred in 3 seconds , so i got you this.

 

Wife: what is it?

 

Husband: A weighing scale.

 

:(

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Ramayana - narrated by a American teenage dude... Do read it........................

>

> A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...

>

> " So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going,

> for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out

> together.

>

> But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary sh*t... really man...they had monkeys and devils and sh*t like that. But

> this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows.... so it was fine.

 

> But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed..... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys.... just go along with me, ok...

 

> so, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's a*s in his own hood.

> Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest..and anyways...it gets kinda boring,you know... no TV or malls or sh*t like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take

> them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and sh*t...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool....

> you know with all those fireworks... Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks.... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

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