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Jokes and Funny Stuff Thread


Chaztin
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Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

 

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

 

Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you."

"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.

 

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.

 

The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

 

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, " Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".

 

The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

 

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, " I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".

 

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

 

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, " Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

 

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."

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99 Classic 'Yo Momma' Jokes: Insult Humor from the 'Hood

 

Yo momma so fat her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.

 

That’s a prime example of a 'Yo Momma' joke, a genre so popular it became the basis for a series of no-holds-barred competitions on MTV. Produced and hosted by actor Wilmer Valderrama, matches were held on successive seasons in Los Angeles, New York and Atlanta.

 

From Monday to Thursday, the show pitted the toughest trash talkers against one another. Each team of contestants battled it out in front of a rowdy live audience of their peers. The four winners then came back on Friday for a Best of the Week. Here are 98 more prime examples of Yo Momma humor:

 

Yo momma so fat,

 

1. she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.

2. when she tripped over on Fourth Avenue, she landed on Twelfth.

3. she's got her own area code.

4. when she talks to herself, it's a long distance call.

5. she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

6. whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.

7. she was born on the fourth, fifth, and sixth of March.

8. she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her for the New World.

9. she wears aluminum siding.

10. she could fall down and wouldn't even know it.

 

***

 

11. she got hit by a VW and had to go to the hospital to have it removed.

12. the sign inside one restaurant says, "Maximum occupancy, 512, or Yo momma."

13. she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

14. the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

15. her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

16. she has to iron her pants on the driveway.

17. when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

18. when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

19. she was zoned for commercial development.

20. when she sings, it's over for everybody.

 

***

 

21. she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen.

22. when she was walking down the street and I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.

23. when she dances, she makes the band skip.

24. when she got her shoes shined, she had to take the guy's word for it.

25. she gets group insurance.

26. she's on both sides of the family.

27. she can't reach her back pocket.

28. she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

29. when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again.

30. when she hauls a*s, she has to make two trips.

 

***

 

31. when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live.

32. we're in her right now.

33. when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.

34. her bellybutton’s got an echo.

35. when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party.

36. her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

37. the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.

38. a picture of her would fall off the wall.

39. when she gets on the scale, it says "To be continued."

40. she sat on a dollar, and when she got up there were four quarters.

 

***

 

41. she fell in love and broke it.

42. when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet.

43. you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through.

44. when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

45. when she wears a yellow raincoat people holler, "Taxi."

46. when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.

47. she could sell shade.

48. people jog around her for exercise.

49. she gets runs in her jeans.

50. when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back.

 

***

 

51. she eats Wheat Thicks.

52. light bends around her.

53. when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

54. her graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

55. her job title is spoon and fork operator.

56. she left the house in high heels, and when she came back she had on flip-flops.

57. you have to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.

58. she has to wake up in sections.

59. she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington's nose.

60. she walked into the Gap and filled it.

 

***

 

61. she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

62. she comes at you from all directions.

63. when she was growing up she didn't play with dolls, she played with midgets.

64. she uses two buses for roller-blades.

65. when she goes to a buffet, she gets the group rate.

66. she doesn't eat with a fork, she eats with a forklift.

67. Weight Watchers won't look at her.

68. the last time the landlord saw her, he doubled the rent.

69. she put on some BVDs and by the time she got them on, they spelled "boulevard."

70. I ran around her twice and got lost.

 

***

 

71. the shadow of her butt weighs 100 pounds.

72. the National Weather Service names each one of her farts.

73. when she's standing on the corner police drive by and yell, "Hey, break it up."

74. she's been declared a natural habitat for condors.

75. she sets off car alarms when she runs.

76. when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.

77. her blood type is Ragu.

78. they had to let out the shower curtain.

79. when she runs the fifty-yard dash she needs an overnight bag.

80. she can't even fit in the chat room.

 

***

 

81. she gets her toenails painted at Lucky’s Auto Body.

82. she doesn't have a tailor, she has a contractor.

83. she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big.

84. she was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade...wearing ropes.

85. she went on a light diet. As soon as it's light she starts eating.

86. she's half Italian, half Irish, and half American.

87. when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.

88. when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.

89. when she goes in a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "Okay.”

90. she puts her lipstick on with a paint roller.

 

***

 

91. she has to pull down her pants to get in her pocket.

92. her waist size is the Equator.

93. she’s got her own zip code.

94. she has to buy two plane tickets.

95. she stands in two time zones.

96. she fell and created the Grand Canyon.

97. she can’t even jump to a conclusion.

98. she fell out of both sides of her bed.

 

_______________________________________________________

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When Insults Had Class

 

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”

–Winston Churchill

 

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

–Clarence Darrow

 

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”

–William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

 

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

—Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

 

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

–Groucho Marx

 

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

–Mark Twain

 

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”

–Oscar Wilde

 

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.”

–George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

 

“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”

–Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

 

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”

–Stephen Bishop

 

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”

–John Bright

 

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”

–Irvin S. Cobb

 

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”

–Samuel Johnson

 

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”

–Paul Keating

 

“He had delusions of adequacy.”

–Walter Kerr

 

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

–Mark Twain

 

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

–Mae West

 

“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”

–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

 

“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”

–Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

 

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

—Moses Hadas

 

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."

—Jack E. Leonard

 

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."

—Robert Redford

 

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."

—Thomas Brackett Reed

 

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."

—James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

 

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

—Charles, Count Talleyrand

 

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

—Forrest Tucker

 

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know."

—Abraham Lincoln

 

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination."

—Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

 

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

—Billy Wilder

 

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”

–Oscar Wilde

 

"You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows."

–The Earl of Sandwich

 

"That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles."

–John Wilkes's response to The Earl of Sandwich

 

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

—Winston Churchill

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